GWEG&SATYR"Part Man. Part Goat. Part Man. Part Cheez Whiz. Together, it's Clobbering time!"

There it is.

One Night Babysitting

"He's upstairs in his room playing a video game. There is a TV dinner in the freezer for him. Help yourself to whatever you like. Just make sure he is in bed by 9."

"Sure thing Mrs. Smith."

Babysitting. Jenny hated it, but it was the only thing a girl her age could do to get some money. Well, not the only thing she reminded herself. It was girls like the Baxter Twins who brought themselves down to that level.

Mrs. Smith handed Jenny a piece of paper.

"That has our cell phone number on it, as well as the restaurants. But I doubt you'll need it, Alex will hardly be any trouble at all."

"Ok Mrs. Smith."

Mr. Smith looked impatiently at his watch.

"Come on Judy, we're going to be late."

They finally left. It was 6:30. Jenny sat down on their couch. She could hear talking coming from the upstairs.

The kid's probably playing one of them online games, she thinks.

His parents told her it was just best to let him play his game until he got hungry. He would then eat, watch some TV, and fall asleep. If it was true, it was going to be the easiest forty bucks she ever made.

She went into the kitchen, got a soda, and sat back down to watch some TV.

A few minutes later, she heard a yell and a crash upstairs.

She jumped off the couch and headed for the stairs, as she reached them, she saw the kid coming down them.

"What happened? Are you all right?" She asked.

He said, "Yeah. It's ok. I lost my game and kick my stand over."

"Oh. Well, I'm Jenny, your babysitter."

"A babysitter? I thought my parents would have least done me the favor of getting me a whore."

He cracked a sly grin.

"Or was that part of the deal?"

She was stunned. This was her third time babysitting. The first kid she sat for was the most energetic kid she had ever seen. The second was the most annoying, asker her millions of questions. But this, she wasn't ready to deal with this.

The shock passed her and she found her words.

"Listen kid, if you're going to speak to me that way, then you need to go straight to bed."

He laughed. "Now we're talking. I knew dad wouldn't disappoint me."

She knew she had just said the wrong thing.

"All right, go stand in the corner. And don't say another thing, or I'll call your parents."

He walked by her and slapped her ass.

She spun around and grabbed him.

"That's it. I'm calling your parents!"

She went towards the phone in the front room, as she picked it up, she felt a small, sharp pain enter the back of her right leg.

She arched her head backward to see what the pain was.

He had stabbed her with a sewing needle. She turned around to face him. He stood there, smiling at her.

"Calling them would be a bad mistake on your part, bitch."

She kicked him. She didn't even know she was doing it at the time. He stumbled back and crashed into a book shelf.

He fell to floor and started to cry.

"I was just playing a game," he said through his sobs. "Why did you kick me?"

She started to worry. Maybe he was one of those bipolar kids. Or some kind of kid with physiological problems. She wondered why the parents didn't warn her.

She kneeled down beside him.

"I kicked you because you were saying mean things. I'm sorry. Let's start over, shall we?"

He looked at her, his eyes red and watery.

"Ok Jenny. I'm sorry I said those things. Mommy took me to a doctor and he asked me a bunch of questions. I have to take a pill 3 times a day. I just took it a while ago, I guess it hasn't kicked in yet."

She nodded. That explains it. The kid is wacko. She pinched herself mentally. That wasn't nice, she thought, the kid does have some real problems. I will have to talk to Mr. And Mrs. Smith and ask why they didn't tell me.

"Come on Alex, let's get something to eat."

He looked at her, he had stopped crying.

"Good idea."

He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head to him. He leaned up to her face and bit into her cheek.

It hurt like hell. She could feel the warm fluid that was her blood flowing down her face.

The kid jumped up, still holding her by the hair, and slammed her face into the bookcase.

She could feel pain of her nose breaking. She was scared. More scared than she had ever been.

She felt him let go of her hair and heard him run into the other room.

She slowly got to her feet. She held herself up against the wall. There was a mirror across the room from her. She could see the puncture wounds from his teeth and her broken nose.

She gathered her strength and went back to the phone.

She picked it up and brought it to the side of her face that wasn't covered in blood.

The phone was dead.

She though about bolting out the door, jumping into her car, and heading to a hospital. There she would call the cops and the psycho's parents.

She had started for the door, but stopped when she heard him call out.

"Jenny! Help me! I'm scared!"

She turned around. Was it a trick? She didn't know. She cursed the parents for not telling her about his condition. She looked around the room.

The living room had a fire place. She went over to it and picked up a poker.

She slowly went into the kitchen, holding the poker out in front of her like a sword.

She glanced around. She couldn't see him anywhere. She was sure that's where he called out from.

She heard a noise above her and started to jump out of the way, but she was too slow.

She felt something hit her head and then she knew nothing but darkness.

She woke up.

Her vision was blurry, she couldn't move, and she had a hard time breathing.

A moment later, she assessed the situation.

She was naked, tied to a chair, and duct tape was over her mouth. Her head was pounding.

She glanced down. She could see dried saliva caked on her breast. She knew the little creep had molested her.

Her vision was coming back. She looked around the room as much as she could.

To her left, there was a pile of toys. There was a plastic energy sword, like the one they used in the space movies. She knew what the kid had used it for.

Out of the corner of her, she could see a clock. It was 10:05. The parents were scheduled home in 25 minutes.

Then a horrifing though came to her mind. What if the parents knew what the psycho would do? What if the parents were freaks themselves and encouraged the boy to do this. That would explain the lack of warning.

She was more frightened now then ever. She had been in a terrifying situation once before.

When she was thirteen. Her sister's boyfriend had gotten a brand new car for his 17th birthday. Her sister wanted her to come along with them for nightly cruise. Both of their parents worked nights and it was her sister's responsibility to look after her.

She knew it was a bad idea to go with them, but she had no real choice.

Her sister and the boyfriend were having the time of their lives. The boyfriend had a six pack of beer in the car with them. The both of them had guzzled down two of the beers and her sister offered her one. Jenny refused to take a sip. The boyfriend turned around to look at her, while still driving.

"If you don't take a drink of that beer, I'll pull over and you can walk home."

She got scared and looked for some support from her sister, but her sister just laughed.

"You might not have to walk. I'm sure some nice guy will pick you and take you home. After you put his thing into your mouth and lick it like a lollipop!"

Her sister and the boyfriend laughed. He then pulled over the car.

Her sister held out the beer to her once again.

"What will it be sis?"

Jenny looked back and forth between them. She didn't know she had already begun to cry.

The boyfriend shook his head.

"It seems like she prefers to have the other thing in her mouth instead of a good beer."

He opened up his car door. Jenny heard a voice in her head. It told her to just drink the beer and then be quiet and they'll leave you alone.

Jenny grabbed the beer from her sister and took a drink. It was the most disgusting thing she had ever tasted. She grimaced and swallowed it down.

Her sister smiled at her.

"See, that wasn't so bad. You made a big deal out of nothing."

Jenny laid down on the back seat and curled up into the fetal position. She stayed that way until they got home.

They got out of the car and the boyfriend sped away.

Jenny's sister looked at her, her face drawn with anger.

"If you ever speak of this to mom or dad, I will kill you in your sleep, got it?"

Jenny nodded. She never spoke of what happened to anyone.

But now, sitting naked, tied to a chair and having been violated, she wishes she were back in that car.

What worried her now, was, she didn't know where the kid was at.

She listened to the house the best she could. She heard movement coming from the upstairs.

A shiver went down her spine, he must be looking for more toys, she thought.

The noise upstairs stopped and she saw the headlights of a car shine through the window.

The freaks are home.

She knew she was going to die. That voice inside her head started to speak.

You're Jennifer Elaine Travis. You're 16 years old. You know the situation you are in. You are not a piece of meat to be shared by this fucked-up family. You will not go down without a fight.

She though, that's great and all, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm tied to this chair.

The voice did not respond to that.

The parents walked through the door.

Mrs. Smith let out a scream and Mr. Smith ran to Jenny.

He untied her and pulled the tape off over her mouth.

He grabbed the afghan off of their couch and wrapped it around them.

Jenny was relieved. She started shaking and Mr. Smith sat her down on the couch.

"Who did this to you?" He asked.

She found she couldn't get the words out. So she pointed upstairs.

Mrs. Smith gave out a whelp as though she had been hurt. Mr. Smith looked angry and confused.

"Alex did this? How? He's never acted out before in his life."

Jenny was about to speak, but something interrupted her.

She heard what sounded like a car backfiring and then a thump.

Mrs. Smith had fallen to the floor. She had been shot in the head.

The kid was in the kitchen. He was holding a gun.

Jenny screamed. She stood up and hid behind Mr. Smith.

Mr. Smith looked at the kid dumbfounded.

"Who are you?" Those were his final words.

The kid pulled the trigger again, shooting Mr. Smith in the head.

Jenny's adrenaline kicked in. She bolted up the stairs.

As soon as she reached the top, she knew she had made another mistake. But she had to do something. Surely there was something up there that could help her.

She went into the first room she saw.

She stepped in it and let out another scream.

Laying on the floor, was the real Alex. Jenny overcame her shock and knelt beside him. She checked his pulse. He was dead.

She ran out of the room. She turned down the hall and found the parents bedroom.

She opened up the closet and searched franticly. She was hoping to find another gun or something.

And she found something she could use. A baseball bat.

She grabbed it and hid herself behind the door.

She heard the kid coming down the hall.

"I know you are up here!" He screamed. "I not done playing with you yet! There's still another cave of yours I want to explore!"

He stepped into the room.

She swung at him as hard as she could. The bat connected to his head with a sickening thud. It didn't stop her from swinging.

And after there was no possible way for the boy to be alive, she still kept swinging.

She was still hitting him when the cops had arrived. They yelled at her to throw the bat down.

She still kept swinging.

Only after they shot her, did she stop.

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Thiago Assunção

What's" Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Baby Hitler: Hey! My diaper needs changed!

Siamese Twin Jesus Head #1: Whoo! You are one stinky baby!

Siamese Twin Jesus Head #2: I haven't smelled anything this bad since the leper!

Baby Hitler: The Jews are responsible for this!

STJH #1: You blame everything on the Jews.

STJH #2: Hey! We're Jewish!

Baby Hitler: Your lucky the only gas your getting from me is from my ass!

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jeff. Jeff didn't like his family too well. They treated him like he was dirt. Jeff was also not liked at school. That's because Jeff was the next Hitler. Yeah, everybody knew it. At 8 years old, Jeff was already readin Mein Kampf. Jeff also liked to play out in the middle of the street. Yep, Jeff loved it out there. In fact, Jeff wanted to know what it would be like to get hit by a car...

At least that's the story I told myself after I ran him over.

Harry Potter Green Eggs and Ham

Harry: I am The-Boy-Who-Lived
I am The-Boy-Who-Lived
I almost died in my crib

Voldemort: That Boy-Who-Lived
That Boy-Who-LivedI
do not likeThat Boy Who Lived

Harry: Do you like
a muggle or a squib?

Voldemort: I do not like them
Boy-Who-Lived
I do not likeA muggle or a squib

Harry: Would you like them
here or there?

Voldemort: I would not like them
here or thereI would not like them
anywhere
I do not like a muggle or a squib
I do not like them Boy-Who-Lived

Harry: Would you like them
with the snitch?
Would you like them
durring Quidditch?

Voldemort: I do not like them
with the snitch
I do not like them
durring Quidditch
I do not like them
here or there
I do not like them
anywhere
I do not like muggles or a squib
I do not like them Boy-Who-Lived

Harry: Would you like them
In Hogsmeade
Would you like them
With an Every Flavor Bean

Voldemort: Not in Hogsmeade
Not with an EF Bean
Not with a snitch
Not durring Quidditch
I would not like them here or there
I would not like them anywhere
I would not like a muggle or a squib
I do not like them Boy-Who-Lived

Harry: Would you? Could you?
In a flying car?
Like them! Like them!
Wherever they are!

Voldemort: I would not
could not
in a flying car

Harry: You may like them
You will see
You may like them
In a Whomping Tree!

Voldemort: I would not could not in a Whomping Tree
Not in a flying car! You let me be!

I do not like them in Hogsmeade
I do not like them with an EF Bean
I do not like them with a snitch
I do not like them durring Quidditch
I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like muggles or a squib
I do not like them Boy-Who-Lived

Harry: A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you? Would you?
On the Hogwart's Train?

Voldemort: Not on the Hogwart's Train! Not in a Whomping Tree!
Not in a flying car! Boy! Let me be!

I do not like them in Hogsmeade
I do not like them with an EF Bean
I do not like them with a snitch
I do not like them durring Quidditch
I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like muggles or a squib
I do not like them Boy-Who-Lived

Harry: Say!
Here in the dark
With the Dark Mark
Would you could you with the Dark Mark?

Voldemort: I would not could not
with the Dark Mark

Harry: Would you could you being in Crucio pain?

Voldemort: I would not could not
in Crucio Pain
Not with the Dark Mark
ot on the Hogwart's Train
Not in a flying car
Not in a whomping tree
I do not like them Boy you see
Not durring Quidditch
Not in Hogsmeade
Not with a Snitch
Not with an EF Bean
I will not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere

Harry: You do not like
a muggle or a squib?

Voldemort: I do not
like themBoy-Who-Lived

Harry: Could you would you
with a Dementor?

Voldemort: I would not
could notwith a Dementor.

Harry: Would you could
with Fleur Delacour?

Voldemort: I would not could not with Fleur Delacour
I will not will not with a Dementor
I will not like them while in Crucio Pain
I will not like them on Hogwart's Train
Not with the Dark Mark! Not in a whomping tree!
Not in a flying car! You let me be!
I do not like them in Hogsmeade
I do not like them with an EF Bean
I will not like them with a snitch
I do not like them durring Quidditch
I do not like them here or there
I do not like them ANYWHERE!

I do not like
muggles
or a squib!

I do not like them
Boy-Who-Lived

Harry: You do not like them
So you sayLike them! Like them!
And you may
Like them and you may I say!

Voldemort: Boy!
If you will let me be
I will try to like them
You will see

Say!
I do like muggles and squibs!
I do! I like them Boy-Who-Lived
And I would like them with a dementor
And I would like them with Fleur Delacour
And I will like them while in Crucio Pain
And with the Dark Mark
And in the Hogwart's Train
And in a flying car
And in a whomping tree
They are so good so good you see!

So I will like them in Hogsmeade
And I will like them with an EF Bean
And I will like them with a snitch
And I willl like them durring Quidditch
And I will like then here and like them there
Say! I will like them ANYWHERE!

I do so likeMuggles and Squibs!
Thank you
Thank you
Boy-Who-Lived!

A man dressed up as Jesus walks into a talent agent's office.

The man says, "My family is outside and we have a performance piece we waant to show you."

The agent looked less than thrilled.

He said, "I'm really not a big fan of family acts."

The man then says, "Trust me, this isn't anything you have ever seen before."

The agent agrees to see the act.

The man brings his family in.

His wife is dressed as Mother Theresa, the son is dressed as the Pope, and the daughter is dressed as a nun.

With them, the bring in a giant cross, a bible, handcuffs , & the American flag.

The father then rips the clothes of his daughter and starts fucking in her in the ass.

The mother then pulls down hers sons pants and starts sucking his dick.

After the son and daughter cum, the son starts sucking his dad's dick and the daughter eats out her mother's pussy.

After the parents shoot off their load, the son handcuffs his dad to the cross.

The daughter then takes a shit on the bible and starts spanking her brother with it.

The mother pisses on the flag and rubs it all over her husband.

After they are done with that, the family bows at the agent and says, "TAA-DAA!!!"

The agent applauds and cheers. he askes the, "What do you call it?"

They say, "The Aristocrats!"

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the bedsheet of a girl who just lost her virginity?



The bedsheet gets the blood washed off before it's hung out to dry.

Blood of Christ Cola

Man 1: Whew, what a day! I just spent the whole day taking the lord's name in vain, coveting my neighbors goods...and his wife. I murdered some people, disgraced my parents, stole some shit, lied about some people, worshipped a bunch of gods...and made images of them, and cheated on my wife. And it's the Sabbath too.

Man 2: Wow! After all that, I bet your thirsty, and I have the perfect thing to wash those sins away! Here, have a taste.

Man 1: Holy shit! This stuff goes down smooth. What is this wonderful beverage called?

Man 2: It's Blood of Christ Cola!

Man 1: Blood of Christ Cola? Damn, this shit is great. I can feel all of my sins just draining away. I wish I had discovered Blood of Christ Cola sooner!

Man 2: Haha. It's never too late to drink Blood of Christ Cola. Hell, 7 out of 10 people prefer it on their death bed. No matter where you are, or what time it is, Blood of Christ Cola is always there to make those sins go away!

Man 1: I'm going to carry Blood of Christ Cola everywhere I go.

Man 2: Don't forget, now you can get Blood of Christ Cola in these assorted flavors: Vanilla, Cherry, and Diet.

WASH AWAY YOUR SINS WHEN YOU GET FULLAOF SOME DELICIOUS BLOOD OF CHRIST COLA!!!!!!

A fun thing for a doctor to do would be...

Go out to a family, who had just had a family member admitted to the hospital after a terrible accident and say...

"Well folks, I have some great news."

The Family: "He's going to live doctor?"

The Doc: "No, he died a few minutes ago, but I just saved a bundle by switching my car insurance over to Geico."

I once went up to this god fearing Christian.

And I punched him.

He just simply looked at me and said, "The good book teaches us to turn the other cheek."

And when he did, I stole the wallet out of his pocket.

Parody of "Waterfalls" by TLC...

Don't go riding in rental carsPlease stick to the modes of transportation you are used toI know that you think it's fun riding in someone else's carBut you are going to get in a crash

One of the ten commandments is "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Goods"

Well...we all suffer from temptation don't we?

However, your friendly, neighborhood Satyr has come up with a perfect plan to get rid of that temptation.

When your neighbor is not home, go over there and be sure to take a lot of gasoline.

Break into his house and pour the gasoline all over...and make a trail with it out of the door.

Set the gas on fire and watch that mother burn!

Yes!!! The temptation now has been removed.

God: 0
Satyr: 1

I keep having this weird dream.In this dream, I am standing in a place I hate.And I am doing something I hate to do.And I am pretty sure I despise everyone around me, and in this dream, I fantasize about their horrible deaths.Every time I look at the screen, the time is there, taunting me. It's laughing at me, it knows my pain and it finds it funny.The idiots around me keep speaking, no...they keep barking like dogs, and I just want to yell "Shut Up!!!" as loud as I can.And then I wake up.

And I realize it's not a dream.

Well now, what have we here? A little visitor to my humble little home? Ahh yes, I see, you are selling magazines. I have no use for magazines my dear lad. Why don't you come in anyway? Ahhh, I see, but if you stay for a little bit, I may buy a subscription. Heh, heh, I knew you would see things my way.

A long time ago, I was a warrior. I fought bravely and bled many, many times. All for one purpose, one goal, to bring forth a new era, the era of Non-Celebrities.

Why would I fight for such a goal?

Everywhere you look, celebrities. They even have a television show about the people who stalk the celebrities and photograph them. Papa Rotsee, I think they are called. Hmmm, Paprazzi, ahh thanks lad. I see you know what I am talking about.

These actors, these celebrities, they think they own the world. The show up at their big gala events so they can win awards and thank each other and pat each other on the back and blah, blah, blah. It's all one big masturbation party if you ask me. Winning awards and crying, as though they were just handed the Nobel Prize for being God's greatest creation.

And everyone wants to be a celebrity. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. That's why they have these so called "reality" shows. So jackasses can go on TV and show the world how much of a jackass they can be. Bah, reality shows.

Celebrities get the world handed to them, and if something bad were to happen to one of them, like breaking a fingernail, the whole world would screech to a halt. "Oh! How can we help you with that? Oh, would you like a bottle of water and a nice vegetarian sandwich?" Bah, celebrities, always surrounding themselves with ass-kissers.

The world would be a much better place without celebrities, boy, let me tell you that. So, what magazine are you selling sonny?

You are selling subscription to Entertainment Weekly? You are dead you little prick motherfucker!

A flicken flack...getting to the whack
Picken little tickers...pull on the kickers
Wishy well...go to hell
Fling fazzing...bring me bling-bling
gotten getzen...full of shetzen

It's getting cold in here, let's put on something warm.
I am getting so froze, I need to put on more clothes.

The sign had said welcome.
So I walked right in.
There was a lemon meringue pie sitting at the counter.
I asked if it was in charge.
It said, "No, the man with exceptionally large earlobes is."
I asked where I could find this man.
The pie told me to go find my ruler and try to measure the length of a toad's tail.
The pie was not being too helpful.
So I ate him.
He tasted well, but I never really like lemon meringue pie.
So I went looking around the store.
It was filled with little nicknacks, none of which have any use in everyday life.
I did find one item I could really use.
A stapler that uses plastic staples.
Now why would I need such a stapler?
The answer is quite simple.
Metal staples hurt like hell, when you staple them in your arm.
Since no one was minding the store, I decided to go ahead and take the stapler.
As I was about to walk out the door, I heard a voice from behind.
It was the man with exceptionally large earlobes.
He asked. "where do you think you are going with that, boy?"
I replied, "to then den of a thousand sorrows, sir."
He said I would be sorry for stealing the stapler.
I screamed, "NEVER!!!" and I ran at him.
He turned his head, whipping hie earlobes at me.
I ducked just in time.
I pushed him to the ground and stomped at him with my hooves.
Just then, I threw up the lemon meringue pie.
The pie cursed at me.
I just said, "Screw this!" and I left.

I got up one morning to get the paper.
A taxi cab filled with 27 donkeys was doing donuts in my backyard.
I stomped my foot.
The taxi rolled over twice.
The donkey that was driving got out.
I asked him how long until the sun explodes into a million tacos.
He said in a thousand years it will be tomorrow.
I said tomorrow was a clown that spits in your face when it arrives and kicks you in the ass when it leaves.
The donkey did a cartwheel.
I wrote down every detail to send to the president of the fingernail files.
The donkey was not pleased.
He asked why I would send such information to his enemy/brother.
I said it was because he was doing donuts in my backyard.

Go to your least favorite fast food place.
Wait untill you see somebody pull up to the drive-thru speaker.
When they are ordering, run up and say into the speaker, "and we need 50 of _____"
Smile at the guy in the car and run away.

Go to the library.
Go to the help desk and ask if they have any books on how to take over the world.
Ask why not.
Tell them it is for a school project.
Then just ask if they have a book on dinosaurs.
When checking it out, laugh a very evil laugh.
Return the book a week later with a note saying "THANKS!"

Walk down the middle of the street. Go ahead walk down it. Do it during the middle of rush hour. People will like the distraction. They will be like, "look at the crazy guy!"You'll be a hero.

Go outside. And just stare at the nextdoor neighbor's house. Don't move a muscle. Just stare. If they call the cops, lie, tell them you were just meditating and after the cops leave, wink at the neighbors.

Walk up to a complete stranger.
Ask him how he is doing.
Talk to him like you have known him a long time.
If he calls you on the fact he doesn't know you from Adam, just laugh.

After you are done with the pleasentries, lean close to him and whisper this in his ear...

"They are in the vacuum cleaners. They eat the dirt. They grow strong on it. Soon they will unite and take over the world."

The guy should ask you who?

You say, "The Dust Bunnies" and start to laugh like a madman and skip away.

Don't walk, don't run.

SKIP.

-Would you like any hot, mild, or fire sauce?
-Both please.
-Get the fuck out of my drive-thru you fucking moron.

Look into the mirror.
Go ahead.

Do you see yourself?
Oh really.

I don't think you do.

Now really look.
I mean really look.

Do you really know the person you are looking at.

Look closer.

Are you still looking?




Well quit it you fucking narcissist.