The Church Crowd

As I went into work the other night, I passed a couple of churches.

"Crap, it's Sunday", I thought.

Well, if you work at a fast food place and you live in a religious community, you know that there is one group of people that are the 2nd worse to serve.

The first being rowdy high schoolers. The second being the Church Crowd.

As I walked into work, I though to myself, "No, not tonight. Tonight, I make my stand."

I went to the back and grabbed the box of letter we put out on our sign up front. I went outside into the freezing weather and put up a new sign.

It said: "Jesus didn't die so you could eat tacos".

Sure enough, church was over and in pulled a dozen or so cars.

I watched them park outside. One guy got out, looked at the sign, called out to somebody, and pointed at it.

They came inside and went up to the cashier.

"I would like to talk to your manager", the guy who pointed said.

I stepped up to the counter, identified myself as manger and asked him what the problem was.

He asked what was up with the sign out front.

I told him, "Well sir. It's almost Christmas. We here at Taco Bell would like to remind our customers what the holiday is all about. It's all about Jesus dying to absolve us from eating tacos."

He was flabbergasted. He told me, "Jesus died for our sins."

I looked at him with the most serious face I could put on and said, "Eating tacos is a sin, sir."

That caused quite an uproar. The Church Crowd started to shout.

I yelled at them to be quite. I went and grabbed a taco.

I held it up and said, " Do you see it's shape? This taco resembles a certain part of the female body. And what of the burritos? To even the most decent of minds, the burrito recalls the male sexual organ! When you eat this food, it is symbolic of fornication. Of Lust! Of Sin!"

They all looked around at each other.

One shouted out, "Let's go to Burger King!"

They left. Victory was mine.

My Friend Called Me One Day

I sitting at home, leaning back on the couch and watching some TV, when the phone rings.

I pick it up, it's my friend Bobby.

Bobby: Hey man. I just want you to know that I'm about to kill myself.

Me: Why?

Bobby: Because she left me man. Two days ago, my woman left me for some guy!

Me: Ah. How are you going to kill yourself?

Bobby: I've got my dad's gun. I'm going to blow my brains out.

Me: You should shoot yourself in the heart. It'd be more poetic.

Bobby: You are supposed to be talking me out of this!

Me: I didn't know this was the suicide hotline.

Bobby: I need you to help me man! I think I'm really going to do this.

Me: Alright. Just do your best not to do anything until I come over.

Bobby: You are the best, man!

Me: Just let me find my video camera and I'll be on my way.

Bobby: Fuck you! You really are a jerk. Will you be at the bowling alley tomorrow?

Me: You know it.

Bobby: See ya then.

I hung up the phone.

At that point, my new girlfriend finished what she was doing and looked up at me.

Her: Who was that?

Me: Just your ex.

Waiting For Spicy Chicken

I went into to work at four.

As I was to my counts, I took notice to the fact that we only had one bag of spicy chicken left in the entire store.

I asked the opening manager about this.

She said it was ok, another manager had gone to cover a shift at the Monticello Taco Bell, a town about 20 miles away.

I was informed that when she got off work over there at five, she would bring some spicy chicken with her, because the Monticello store had plenty to spare.

I said fine.



Six o'clock came. Still no spicy chicken. I called over to Monticello and asked if the manager had left yet.

They said yes, she left at four.

Well, I wasn't lucky enough to have this particular manager die in horrible mess of fire and twisted metal, burning her disgusting flesh to the seat as she cried out for help, so I knew she was taking her sweet ass time to deliver the spicy chicken.

So I waited.

Finally, at 8 o'clock, she arrives with the spicy chicken.

I ask her, "Where in the hell have you been?"

She says, "I had to go to a funeral."

I say, "I think our being out of spicy chicken was far more important than a stupid funeral. It's not like they were going to know you weren't there any way."

She then starts crying, throws the spicy chicken at me, and yells, "It was a funeral for a baby!"

Then she runs out the door.



Forty minutes later, I ate a spicy chicken soft taco.

And it was good.

I'm Suing My Best Friend's Father.

I was visiting my friend at his house and he invited me to have supper there. His dad was bringing home some pizza.

As we sat around, eating pizza, we were talking about the rich and how we were never going to be it.

The father mentioned all of these internet sites that fail, and I told him the only good investment would be a porn site.

He laughed and said he wouldn't know where to start.

I said, since his daughter is a lesbian, he should put a hidden web cam in her room and create a website that let's people view her and her lesbian encounters.

Well, this ticked him off and he threw me out of the house.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing the web for some good sites, and I came across a hidden webcam site.

Sure enough, the girl featured on there was my best friend's sister.

They were charging ten bucks for a monthly subscription.

Now, I should be entitled to at least a third of the profits.

Or at least a free subscription.

A Valentine's To Remember

It was my third date with this girl in two weeks. Things were going very well. For our date on Feb. 14th, took her to a nice fancy restaurant, and afterwards, a stroll through town.

You see, after our second date, I had called her up the day after and asked her to go out that night. She said something had happened in her family, and she wouldn't be able to go out with me for awhile. So, five days later, I got her to go out with me on Valentine's.

So, on this third date, she was quiet and whatever had happened, she didn't want to talk about it.

On our walk through town, we came to a park. I started leading us into the park, but she said she'd rather not walk through there.

I told her it would be all right.

She looked to the ground and agreed,

As we walked, she seemed kind of nervous. I did my best to make her feel better. But, I was on the look out for something to really break the ice that had covered over us.

Then I saw it.

5 feet away from us in the parking lot, was a chalk outline sketch

I said to her, "Hey watch this!"

I ran over to the sketch and laid down in it.

I yelled out, "Look at me, I'm a dead body!"

She screamed and said, "That's where my brother was shot and killed almost a week ago!"

She took off running.


If it hadn't been for that, I probably would have gotten laid that night.

Virtual Satyr's Guide to Ticking People Off on Halo2 Team Battles..

• On Assault, Grab the bomb and don't go anywhere with it.
• Get into the Warthog and don't let anybody into it. Bonus points for honking the horn and letting your teammates gets closer, but driving away before they can get in.
• Driving the Warthog over the edge and killing yourself and your teammates inside.
• Grabbing the enemy's flag after your teammate's grabbed it and dropped it, and then taking back to the enemy's base.
• Grabbing the Sniper/Rocket Launcher and not using it.
• Playing annoying music through your headset.
• Doing an annoying "hyena" laugh during the whole round. (my new trademark)
• Killing yourself during Slayer

Kicked Out Of Hot Topic

I decided to check out Hot Topic. Actually, I wanted to see if they had some Aqua Teen figures.

I head to the back and see some toys lined up on the wall.

And some passed out chick lying in front of said wall.

The employee on duty and a couple of other people were gathered around her.

I didn't catch what really happened to her, because I really didn't care.

I asked the people around her if they could move her so I could look at the toys.

They got upset and asked me if I was being a tad insensitive.

I told them I get the majority of pop-culture references, but even I didn't know who Tad Insensitive was.

They didn't find it funny..

Well, I could tell they weren't going to move her, so I asked them to move and I would just step around her.

The employee got up and told me to leave.

I told them, Fine, I didn't want to buy their stupid products anyway.