Meeting a Gorgeous Woman

It all started a few weeks back.

I was at Subway, eating a 12 inch sweet onion chicken teriyaki, when the impossible happened:


The most beautiful woman I have ever seen in real life sat in a booth next to mine...alone

She was absolutely stunning. A woman such as this had no right being in such a crappy town as mine.

Now, I am not a shy kind of guy. If I see a woman I like, I will go up to her, but in this case, I just couldn't.

A woman of such beauty needs to be approached delicately.


So, I did what any guy would do...I stalked her.


I found out where she worked, where she lived, hell, I got all of her routine down.

What time she went to and got back from work, when she let her dog outside to play, the nights she went out to eat.



Finally, I came up with a plan. I knew how I could approach her and make her mine.

I got a buddy of mine to switch vehicles with me.

I got into his red Toyota and parked two blocks away from my dream girls house.

I got on my binoculars and waited.

And right on schedule, she let her dog out.

Now, the street she lived on was not a high traffic street, so the dog didn't really fear being out in the street.

I waited for the dog to get in position, and I made my move.

I turned on the Toyota and gunned it...the dog never had a chance. It was roadkill.

After painting the road with the dog's insides, I traveled another block and made a left...to where my buddy was waiting...in my jeep.

I got into my jeep and headed down another road and turned back onto her street.

I stopped in front of her house and picked up the dog...careful not to get my clothes stained with it's blood and intestines...at least that's what I think those were.

Anyway, I walked up to her house and knocked on the door.


She answered and saw my grisly gift, and burst into tears.

"Sparky", she cried.

I did my best acting, I said, "I am so sorry, I just found him on the road. I didn't see what happened."

She took the canine corpse from my hands and laid it down.

She then hugged me.


Ah...such a glorious moment....ruined by a nosy neighbor.


I heard the shrill voice of an 80 year old woman cry out, "Jade, Jade, he's the one, he's the one who hit Sparky!"


She let go of me and looked at me with a look I'm all to familiar with.

The old woman came up to us.

She said, "I saw it happen. It was you, you were in a red truck, but it was you!"

I said, "It was somebody that probably looked like me."

She said, "No, I may be an old woman, but my eyes are as good as they ever have been. I know it was you, because I have seen you driving up and down this road for weeks now."

I said, "You stupid old bitch" and ran toward my jeep and got the hell out of there.


I hate old people.

Giving Advice to Co-Workers

Now, I do my best to get along with the people I work with. Everyone works better in a friendly environment.

But sometimes, it's hard to be nice when you are working with such annoyance.


For example, this gay guy I work with.

You should know, that I don't care who's sleeping with who...all I care about is who is sleeping with me...unless I paid for them, then I don't care about them at all.



Now, this gay guy is flamboyant. Really.


And he's sensitve too. He hates all of my good jokes. He wouldn't talk to me for two days after I told him the Poor Blind Herbie joke.


Anyway, he and one of the females were talking about an audition that he was going to.

I came in on the conversation and I decided tyo offer him advice..real advice.

His problem was this....he was going to audition in Chicago for some Dancing Reality Show. He really wanted to go and do this, and was confident that he would get on the show. It's his dream. But, he doesn't want to lose his job.


I tell him, "Dude. it's your dream. You don't go out and follow it, you will regret it."


Now, I'm telling him the basic cliches of following your dreams, and like the gullible bastard he is, he is eating them up.


Finally, I convince him to go to Chicago.

He thanks me up and down and says that I'm not such a bad guy after all.

I tell him I can't wait until he is famous. I tell him I want to be able to go to his IMDB profile message board to tell people "Hey, I know that guy!".

He gets all giddy with excitement at the thought of having his own message boards.

Then I say:

"Yeah, I'll tell people on there I know you, and not to vote for you, becasue you are a jackass!"


It's funny to watch a grown man cry.

Dealing With Pregnant Women

At long last, my grandfather kicked the bucket.


All of those years of pretending to be interested in how he flew a jet in WWII against the Japs finally paid off. He left me 500 dollars in his wll.

I would have gotten more, if it were not for my damn cousins.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to have a little fun with my 500.

Now, you know me, I like a good practical joke.


I decided I wanted to play a little trick on a pregnant woman. I find that people with a high emotional unbalance are the best to get.

Just so you know, I never intended to go on with what I offered her, because I would never give a pregnant woman money...not even if I were the one who knocked her up.


Anyway, I found one. She looked to be 7 months in. She was sitting at a bus stop.

I sat next to her and pulled out 5 100 dollar bills.

I told, "This could be yours. All you have to do is let me do something while you are giving birth."

She looked startled, but curious. So she asked what.

At this point, I almost lost it. I did everything I could to hold the laughter in.

I said, "I want to have sex with you".

One word escaped her face, which was twisted with repulsion and horror. And what I said after that made her face even more so, which I never thought was possible.

She had asked why.

I said, "Becasue I want head and **bleep** at the same time".

Now, it's quite a site to see a pregnant woman run so fast.

I wonder why she needed to take the bus.

Another Bad Date

I swear, I need to move. The women in this town just ain't cutting it.


So, I get this girls number and we set up a date. We meet at Applebee's to have dinner.



We have typical date conversation.

Finally, I tell her I'm a bit of a funny man.

She brightens, saying she likes to hear good jokes and she says she wants me to tell one.


Deciding to come up with a joke on the spot, I told her this:



"How did the teenage girl get rid of her dead baby?"

She got a real funny look on her face, I knew she wasn't going to attempt to answer.

So I told her, "She flushed it down the toilet!"

I had a laugh and my brilliant little joke, but she just simply looked at her plate and didn't say a word.


She wispered something. I could just barely hear it, but I knew the date was over.


She excused herself and stiffed me with the entire bill.

Another oversensative woman. Seriously, this town is full of them.








Oh yeah, what she said.

She said...."I had a miscarriage two years ago."