The Soldier's Wife

Yet more proof that some women can get too emotional when it comes to certain situations.


A few days ago, my cousing got news that her husband lost his life while fighting in Iraq.

Today was the memorial service.

Now, my parents made me go, because she was family and needed our support.

I would have rather stayed home and slept, but oh well. There was going to be free food.

We got to the service and there was much crying and whatnot.

I did my best to avoid my crappy family, but it was still inevitable.

After a while, we all sat down to listen to family talk about the dude. I hardly knew the guy so I really didn't care.

Then my cousin began to talk.

She went on and on, talking about how much her dead husband loved this country and died defending our freedoms keeping us safe.

That was it, I had enough.

I stood up and said, "He didn't die doing any of that stuff. He died in a crappy, unnesasary war. We are not over there fighting terrorists who would attack America, we are over there fighting for George Bush's personal reasons. You want to see true patriotism, watch this!"


I then took one of the little American flags that was on the memorial wreath and I took my lighter out and burned it.

If I had thought my cousin was being super-emo before, she really it the all time high on the emo scale then.

After I was thrown out, my paretns made sure to tell me what a dissapointment I was.


I didn't even want to be there.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers

The last time I offered a ride to coworkers...one of them touched my radio and I gave them a broken nose. They learned their lesson.

Tonight, I had to teach some manners to yet another coworker.



She is a big woman, the kind of woman that redneck toothless losers seem to love, and she has...well had, is probably the case now, a crush on me.

Now, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt another human beings feelings....so I have never given her any sign that I would be interested into plowing into her mountainous flesh.


Tonight, she thought she might actually have me cornered. We both got off of work at the same time and she offered me this proposal:

She would give me 10 dollars if I could drive her up to Wal-Mart, but first I had to drive her home so she could change clothes.

She also told me she would be meeting a friend up there, so I wouldn't have to take her back home.



Now, of course, I knew this was just a ploy to spend time with me. If she were meeting her friend up at Wal-Mart, why couldn't her friend just pick her up at work.

Now, I would have never decided to do this, if the money offer wasn't involved.

Several minutes of listening to this broad trying to impress me would be worth 10 bucks...so I accepted.


When we both got off of work, we got into my jeep.

In an effort to quell any attempt by her to start a conversation, I immediately turned on the stereo.


Of course, she was a rude cow and talked over the stereo. But this wasn't the rudest part.


No big deal, I drowned her out.

Now, we get to her house, she gives me the ten and says she'll be back out in a few minutes.


And, just like a typical woman, it takes her forever to change clothes.

Actually, I don't know how long it took, because after ten minutes of waiting, I took off without her.

And went to Wal-Mart to buy a DVD, hoping for another chance encounter with an attractive woman.



Funny thing, my coworkers friend, whom happened to know me, saw me and asked where she was.

Apparently this plan to have me be her chauffeur was planned out in advanced.

And the second after I get done telling the friend what I did, the friend receives "You have a call at the front desk" announcement over the intercom.

A Walk In The Park

It was a nice, cool, breezy day, today. I decided I didn't want to waste time inside.

I called up a friend and told him to meet me in the park. We met and went for a walk on the trail that goes through and around the park.


As we walked, we saw a somewhat large group of people having a picnic on the part of the park grounds.

As we approached, we could tell there was something peculiar about this group of people.

My friend noticed something that gave us the answer to our observational question.

He said, "Dude, it's the retard bus."



And so it was, the bus from the State Psychiatric Hospital, which happened to be in our town.

We did our best to avoid them and not be noticed and continued on our path.


10 minutes later, we came across a man sitting on one of the benches. He was throwing bread at a couple of squirrels and laughing his head off.

Half on the man's face was drooping slightly and he was only laughing out of one side of his face. I told my friend, "Hmm, he must have escaped from the other group."

So, me and my friend only did what came naturally to us...we went over to ridicule him.

He ignored us as we walked behind him, which was surprising to us, because we figured he would run off screaming.

We got behind him and my freind said, "It sure is nice to fead things that only have a few IQ points less than yourself."

I said, "Let's get out of here and mate with a woman, the only way a non-retard can."

The man than turned around and looked at us and said, "I'm not retarded, I have Bells Palsy."



Boy....were we embarrassed.

Some Girls Cannot Take A Joke

There is something to be said about humor in this day in age. Just when you think certain things are no longer taboo, you come across somebody who makes you think twice on that.

The other night, I got lucky.

Lucky meaning I had sex.


I met her Wal-Mart of all places. We were both looking at DVDs. I was instantly attracted to her and the look in her eyes and the smile that she gave me told me the same was true for her.


And then, just like something out of a movie, we both reached for the same DVD.

It was Lucky Number Sleven, but that is besides the point.

We got to talking.


It was both pretty clear to us that neither ofd us was looking for a relationsship, just a bit of a good time.

I walked with her as she finished her shopping, and came to found out she had a bit of dark humor in her.



We got back to her place, where I told her I didn't have any condoms. (I was too engaged in converation with her at Wal-Mart to to think about getting them there, which was ironic, because sex was on my mind the entire time)


She said it was alright, she was on the pill.

Now, that was a bit of a jab to my ego, because when a girl says she's on the pill, that pretty much means she's a whore.

Oh well, no stopping me.


We did our deeds...a good long hour and a half of it. She got too exhausted.

As I was putting on my clothes, I thought of something funniy to say, something that someone with some dark humor would appreciate.

I told her, "Oh, by the way, I have AIDS."




She starts to cry and begins to scream.

I told her I was just joking, but she continued to scream.


I swear, just when you think you know somebody, they turn your world around.