Here Wii Go

20 Units to sell at Wal-Mart.

30 people already in line.

A dilemma.

The time was 10:30 PM. I didn't have much time to work.

I quickly made a call to the only person I knew who could help me.

Thankfully, he was home.

I asked him if his family still had that wheelchair his sister was in after she was in that skiing accident.

He said yes.

Game on.

A five minute drive to his house, and I got to work.


I made out a deal with him. He would be able to play with my Wii every time he came over to his house if I could shave his head and have him do a little performance.


He agreed.


10 minutes later, he was bald.

Then some powder applied to his face, some loose fitting clothes, and a blanket a few minutes later, he was ready to sit in the wheelchair.

He looked perfect.

The wheelchair was set up in my jeep and we went to Wal-Mart.


As I rolled him into the Electronic Center, we could feel the eyes of the customers on us.

We looked at the long line of people and I said,

"Sorry Johnny. Looks like we got here late. It's ok, we'll get you a Wii next year....if you make it that long."

"Johnny" looked up at me and said in his weakest voice,

"That's ok. That's what I get for getting my hopes up."

I looked at the line and spotted exactly what I needed to see.

A few people with a tear in their eyes.

We turned around and then somebody spoke up.

"Excuse me, you guys can have my spot. I'll just get one later. You need it more than I do."

The gentleman was fifth in line.

I said,

"No sir, we can't do that. You have probably been waiting here all day."

He said,

"No, I insist. It couldn't sleep at night."

Johnny said,

"God bless you sir. God bless you."


We got in line and I got my Wii.

As soon as I purchased it, Johnny got up, folded the chair, we screamed, "So long suckers!" and hauled ass out of there.

Lucky for me, we also took his sister's old handicap parking pass and I was parked in the crip space.

We managed to pull away as a small mob of people came out of the doors.

Out To Dinner

My friends and I decide to go to this China Buffet restaurant that everybody in my town has been raving about.


We find a table and head over to the buffet.

Halfway through our meal, this overweight, ugly as sin woman comes up to the table.

Now, I'm eating Chinese food and this is the last thing I want to be seeing.

She begins mumbling at me and finally spits out that she wants my phone number.

Since this fugly **bleep** had the nerve to interrupt my dinner and the conversation I was having with my friends, I wasn't going to let her down easy.

I tell her, "There is no chance in hell you are getting my number. Wait a second, let me put it another way, if you were the last female on earth, I would go gay."

Her eyes begin to water. We watched her go back to her table, grab her plate, and load up on the buffet.

She sits down and starts pigging out. I damn near lost my appetite.

But that's not all.

A minute later, her friend comes charging over to our table.

Now the friend is hot.

She gets in my face and says, "You insensitive prick!"

I said, "No, you just have to lick the bottom of the head."

She goes off on a rant.

"Don't you get smart with me. Your giggling friends here might think you are cute, but I think you are an ugly man. How dare you say those things to her. We get her confidence built up to ask you out and you stomp all over her. She has an eating disorder! She finds comfort in food and now we won't be able to stop her. It's guys like you that just make me sick!"

I respond with, "You are even sexier when you are angry."

She then performs the ultimate "angry at dinner" cliche and throws a glass of water in my face.


As I'm cleaning off my face, I see that angry **bleep** went to the bathroom.

I got up and went over to the fugly bitch.

I whispered in her ear, "Before your friend went off on that little rant, she told me she didn't blame me for turning you down and said she would have sex with me if I allowed her to cause that scene."


The restaurant ended up charging her for two buffet dinners.

Secret Santa

Well, every year around this time at Taco Bell, we do the Secret Santa thing.

We all put out names into this hat and after all the names are in, we draw a name out of the hat and get them a gift. $5 minimum.

This year I pull out some ignorant scum-lickers name.

Now, I hate this guy. So I decided not to waste my time going out somewhere to get this kid a gift.

So I get him a $5 Gift Certificate....from Taco Bell.

I went into our walk-in fridge and emptied out a box of tomatoes.

Now, a box of tomatoes is about 6 inches high and 15 inches long.

I put the gift certificate into the box and wrapped it up.


Yesterday, we got to open our presents.

The kids finds his present and looks like he won the lottery.

He picks it up, looks around at all of us and says this:

"Thank you guys. My father died last year and my mother works two jobs. This is my first job. Mom couldn't get me or my brothers and sister anything this year because of bills. But this gift makes me glad that I'm working at such a great place."

He opens it up.

Now, the evolution of his face, from bright-eyed anticipation to sheer utter horror, was classic.

In Which An Old Co-Worker Updates Me On Her Life

I went to work yesterday. And there was a new girl working..

She kept glancing at me. Not in the usual, "good god he is sexy and I want his body poured all over me" way, but in the quizzical intrigued kind of way.

Like I do most of my coworkers, I ignored her and went on with my job.

A little later, she came up to me and said" Now I remember where I know you from!"

I said, "I swear, I was going to call you back, but my Uncle was killed by ninja pirates."

She laughed, one of those annoying grating laughs, and said, "No silly, we worked at Taco Bell together."


Now I worked at Taco Bell for eight years. I've seen so many people come and go through there that there is enough of them to keep Paris Hilton busy for a month.


So, this girl I do not remember at all.

So I tell her, "Yeah, that's right. Say, how have you been?"

She says, "Well, the last time you saw me, I had two kids. Now I have four."

I say, "What a coincidence, that rhymes with whore!"

Now of course, she gets upset. And she runs off to the boss.

The boss comes over to yell at me and I defend myself by mentioning that this girl is only twenty and has already pushed a Barbershop Quartet out of her all-access hole.

She screams, "I love my boyfriend!"

I say, " I love macaroni and cheese, but I don't eat it every day!"*


I love my job.








* Thanks Groucho.

I Got A Girl Beat Up

Or at least that's what she is saying. It's all her own fault, and by end of this, if you don't agree with that, you need to be hit too.

It all started three days ago.

This annoying skank at, who does more talking on the phone then she does actual work, decided to lecture me about being sensitive to other people's feelings after I upset another co-worker after telling him a little joke about cancer, not knowing his mother had breast cancer.

Anyway, I did by best to nail it into her brainless skull that I did not care about him, his mother, or more importantly, her.

So, later that night I got a small opportunity for revenge.

The boss answered the phone and screamed the tramp that her it was her boyfriend. She got on the portable phone.

Now knowing, mostly from her babbling about it, that her boyfriend is the real jealous type, I decided to yell a little something to the dumb broad while she was talking to him.

I got behind her and yelled, "Hey, Tricia, Sammy wanted me to tell you that he will be home when you get off work tonight, so just walk right on in and strip down."

She gave me a horrified look and then cried into the phone, "No no! That's just my stupid co-worker. No! He was joking! No, there is no Sammy. No baby, I love you!"

She then hung up the phone and (thankfully) was quiet the rest of night.

Fast forward to the present.

She comes to work with a black eye.

She won't tell anybody how she got it, but she comes up to me, points to her eye and says, "I I got this because of you."

So, her boyfriend hit her because I was joking around. It's her own fault for being with somebody like that.





But that's not the end of it.




Later that night, I answered the phone. It was her boyfriend. He asked if he could talk to her. I told him she hadn't come into work that night.

He sounded really pissed when he said, "If you see her, have her call me."


I hung up the phone and I went over to her, balled up my fist, and said,

"Brace yourself, your boyfriend wanted me to give you a message."

Oh Deer

Saturday Night.


I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.


What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.


I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.


Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.


10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.


Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.


We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.

Right into the side of my jeep.


We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.


She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.

I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.


Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.


I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.

Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.


She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"

I just shrugged.

She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."

I went to open my door.


Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.


So....back to the story. I went to open my door.


It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.



Now I was pissed.


I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.

She got out and so did I.

We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.

I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.


I go back over to her and the deer.

She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".

I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."

She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."


Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.

I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.

I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.


My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"


I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".

Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.


About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.


I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.

I get home.


I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....


I took out my keys and unlocked my door.


It opened up fine.